Self used to be a body containing a mind that thought, a heart that felt, a spirit that sensed and a soul that knew.
All these changed, the inner self building as it learned and grew in wisdom, life by life. The body being born, ageing, dying, and reborn…
This attitude changed recently. I have always had spiritual relationships, and assumed that when I felt love from my partners,
they were loving me. I have just realized that this is not so. I understand now that I have an ability to sense their inner depths, and when they are loving someone, I can pick up these vibes and feel their love, but it is not really for me.
I did not realize that I was gate crashing, and I always wondered why they shut me out, and started to push me away.
I always saw a welcome mat, so ran right in, not realizing it was me as unseen a presence as a ghost, but another welcomed. I really loved them, but they did not love me.
Reading about Buddhism, how the inner places can be read and experienced by others such as monks or teachers who
bond with their student internally, made me realize what my ability is really for. I was stopped, stunned, for a while.
I loved all these people, but had only really been in their way, invasively. I instantly retreated from the two people I then loved,
unwilling to be there without permission, ashamed that I was unknowingly trespassing within them. I had thought I had been loved,
I assumed I was welcome…
I have the ability to blend my spirit with that of a cherished friend, to fuse soul to soul, internally.
I automatically mistook this for the connection between soul mates, or a special deep and close style of friendship.
I had no idea that I was intruding. I always thought that they knew I was doing this, believed that they wanted to join inwardly
with me and bond as lovers on the inner planes. That nobody knew what I was doing shocked me, as I had thought they guided me
inwards, not knowing they sought the love of another.
Once I knew they did not know I was present, but sought the love of another being, I had to back away.
That might have hurt dreadfully, for these friends are close and I was bonding or bonded.
However, I cannot bear the thought of harming them, or trespassing within them unwanted.
My love in genuine, so I felt strong enough to withdraw. I meant to do nothing wrong.
To suddenly realize that I do not have a soul mate, and that I am hurting rather than
loving my friends, made me choose to leave. I could not bear to cause pain to those I loved the most.
Even if my love was real, without theirs, it would be wrong for me to go inside and blend and bond.
So, I found myself without the soul mate I was fused to, and without a friend to care and share with.
Alone. I have no interest in me, only in belonging to those I care for. I lived to be his, not to be mine.
If I am just a my own me, and not a his she, I do not have any reason to exist. I could easily toss myself away.
Losing the need to be a me, I shed self and found no-self. I only needed to not need or want myself,
to be able to realize that there was no self. The ability to drop the desire to be a self,
allows one to understand the no-self theory. Whilst wanting to be his, I had to be somebody to give to him and be with
him and blend with him. When backing out, understanding my error and true place and that I mistook an ability for a romance,
I backed into realization of both no-self and emptiness.
I can see the layers. There is my know, ever growing, ever learning, gaining wisdom and understanding at the core.
With this is the sensing, my ability to sense others, to sense the feelings and needs of others. The rest is just floating above this inner core.
The thoughts and feelings I wore as myself now float free in the skies above the inner center. Thoughts and feelings can be witnessed, seen,
known, but they do not need to be used, felt, grown. I watch ugly aggravation and irritation clouds float ominously overhead,
but I can blow them away rather than let them get inside and cause anger to grow. I can see the pretty clouds of affection and attraction float above.
They may be happy clouds, and it is good to see them, but I do not need to use them and flood my friends with feelings to share,
now that I recognize that I am not their chosen love.
It may hurt to look at the man I thought I was soul-fused with, except that the pain floats above,
and I choose to let it float by instead of grab hold and feel it. I have no need to feel pain if there is no
self to attract and grab and use the sadness. I can still feel love for him, but I do not need to use it in the
way I did before. The same way that I learned earlier this year to let clouds of irritation and injustice go past,
without snatching hold of them to rage in fury, I can now let pain pass by.
This also explains the non-craving point as well. For now, my center core is free to let these feelings
come and go, without snatching the good or trembling under the bad. My love was real, but the deeds done were wrong.
I need to turn to a new view. No longer to unknowingly harm my innocent loved ones, but to use my ability for the right
reason, to find the feelings of others so I can assist, rather than steal and employ them, thinking that they are there for me.
If this ability is given to teachers and monks, in order that they may guide and assist those learning, then that is what I must use it for.
I must try to apply the natural gift I have found selflessly, to recognize the needs and problems of my friends,
not just read their love for others and take it on as made for me. I assume that such ability is installed to assist one to assist
others and that I must redefine my role. Not having a self to give to someone, sets me free to accomplish the equanimity required
to love all beings, and to start upon the path of a Bodhisattva.
