How do you learn when you don't know what it is that you want to understand?
I guess I just wanted to know who I was. Isn't that what each of us wants to know? It's a feeling that starts early in life. We begin to ask, “Who am I?” and “What is life all about?”
Discomfort and Drifting
For me it was a vague feeling of discomfort and a sensing that there was more to life than I experiencing. I had no clear understanding about life, or what kind of preparation one needs to go out into the world. I disliked school and barely studied, consequently I failed more often than I passed.
I drifted through my teens and early twenties. Only after great personal struggles of my heart did I begin to find the person I was born to be. The doubts and insecurities that plagued my life caused me to express myself in ways that were painful and unproductive.
Today, over 40 years later, I write as one who has lived outside of life for many years. Life was all around but I felt that it was passing me by. I could not be an honest participant.
The social and religious establishment did not approve of my life-style, so life became too painful. I was unproductive even though I held a responsible position and managed to pay my bills and my bar tab. Yet I was losing the struggle.
In my relationships with others I always blamed myself when things went wrong. It seemed to be a failing proposition. Alcohol became my means of relieving tension. In the depths of my being, I knew I needed help but I had never been able to talk about my feelings to anyone.
Darkness and Tears
In the middle of one dark and lonely night, standing in the middle of no where, I found myself shaking my fist at the sky and crying, “If there be a God, help me. I can't help myself!”
It would please me to tell you that I had a blinding revelation at that moment, but nothing seemed to happen. Yet when I think back over the years I recognize that moment as a turning point.
As time passed there were many such significant moments. Another time is seared into my memory. Years later I began to understand how faithful God truly is. Tears rolled down my face as I sat in the darkness. Again I was yelling at God when I suddenly became quiet. I was consumed with a desire to know if I could have a relationship with God.
Everyone (family and church) said that I would have to become someone else for God to love me. But grabbing a bible I clutched it to my chest and I began to speak to God. I said, “I know that this book holds all truth, but I don't understand it. If I am to learn you will have to teach me.”
Truth, Peace and Hope
Finally I knew how to learn and what I needed to understand. Finally I would come to know how to live life and live in the present. Gradually God has taught me many things. Long periods of questioning and prayerful meditation have brought peace to my heart and mind.
Each person must find his or her own path on life's journey. Mine has taught me that we truly “live and move and have our being in Almighty God, in the most literal sense.
As a fellow traveler along life's path I share with you what I have learned about “how to learn,” and how to get in step with life. You can know without any doubt that God loves you just as you are. And His spirit will guide you in the truth if you seek Him.
Scripture says “As for you, the Spirit which he gave you is still in you, and you have no need of any teacher; but as his Spirit gives you teaching about all things, and is true and not false, so keep your hearts in him, through the teaching which he has given you.” (Bible in Basic English: I John 2:27)
