It all begin when God said that I knew you before I placed you into you mother's womb. He chose to deposit me on the earth on September 29, 1973. He chose a woman who had her own issues. She was as strong as any trained warrior. She and I met and she carried me for nine months during the process of her carrying me she He put my mother in place of solitude. This is when the spirit of rejection tried to creep into my life. As I grew up in the streets of New York I would say to myself that it has to be a better way of living. I discovered that this place is a place where you have to become two people and learned the game of manipulation to survive. I study adults to see what made them operate in the way they lived. As time would pass I was touch in my secrets places by a family friend. This had to be when I learned the art of being two different people. I would learn later in life the side effects of this behavior.
“God spoke:” Let us make human beings in our image, make them reflecting our nature” (The Message Bible)
Lord I thank you for thinking of me to reflect your nature.
The Quest
As time passed I learned that things in life hurt and made no sense at all. I felt like I was ready to leave New York. My mother seem like she was having a nervous break down all the time. I wasn't sure if it was the drugs or she was really going through something. I just knew I wanted out. My life seems to me lifeless and going through one situation after the next. I was eleven years old when things changed forever. My mom really jump ship and left her children, her man and her life to live in world that only she understood. I remember my step-father trying to keep the family together and I remembering saying to myself “If I don't leave this place I am going to end up just like her. See, life had beaten my mother into her own world were she felt understood and safe. I saw and experience first hand what drugs, men, sex, and money would give you if you started to fast. I wanted out and I was going to get out by any means.
“I looked long and hard at what goes on around here, and let me tell you, things are bad. And people feel it.” Ecclesiastes 6 (The Message Bible)
Lord I thank you for giving me an eye to see that things were bad. I should have not been able to see so young.
The Request
It was the summer and as always me, my sister and younger brother would go back and forth to Louisiana to visit our Grandmother. That summer my life took on new meaning. I had pressed down so many emotions and my mother checkout and back in whenever she felt like it. I knew that something had to give or I was going to kill myself or something crazy would take place. As the summer drew near to a close and my Grandmother prepared to take us home my heart started talking to me and screaming saying “NO, NO Hell No” I was a cursing too. So I took matters into my own hands and when we returned to New York. I ask my Grandmother if it was okay to go back home with her. The answer was yes. I was free at least that's what I thought.
“When you're in rough waters, you will not go down.” Isaiah 43(The Message Bible)
Lord, I thank you for when I thought I was going to drowned you said NO!!!
Face to face with whom?
As I moved to Louisiana thinking that things would get better. I replace missing my brothers and sister with my aunt and uncles and a hosts of cousins. I settle in an did things the way I was told to do them and the whole time still feeling as if something was missing. I knew I had to come face to face with something and I didn't know what and why. As time progress my grandmother provided all the things I needed. She shelters me with the things she thought I was missing. She cared for me, trained me, and most of all she loved me; I tried very hard to fix in and make her proud of me. I needed to fix in and I needed to make my family happy with me. I was afraid if I disappointed my grandmother or my aunt I would be ship back to the City and I would loose my life in that death trap. I felt alone in family that tried to give me things. I knew then that I had to come face to face with pain and I felt it and the pressure to be overwhelming. I tried to express myself and it turn out to be more hurtful because I discovered if I didn't do things the way my aunt or my family wanted me to my life became a silent jail. I was told on some occasions that I would be nothing because I came from nothing. So I learned how to be two people once again and dealing with my pain in silence. Some days I felt like running and realized were was I going to go.
