Lord, I thank for being married to me even when I served you luke warm and made my bed in hell.
The cost
I made it through my college's years, and along the way I would travel to New York City and I meet this man who was taking with what he saw inside of me. I had no clue that this man would see God's grace on me life before I could see it. He became my best friend I would let him into my real world and he still loved me. He encourages me to explore in finding myself in God's way. See, he introduced me to WORSHIP. He would teach about the true worship of Christ through the Bible. I would later become this man's wife and years later become his ex-wife because of my duo-life. See, I could not separate the two people I had become. It had become such apart of me and it would cost me my husband who saw me as God saw me. I ended up committing adultery and sliding back into the hands of Satan. See, I didn't know at the time when God is going to bless the enemy the goes into over time to destroy. Once, again I was dealing with this pain that made me want to kill myself and the pain was caused by ME!!!” You shall not commit adultery”EXODUS 20:8(NKJV).
Lord, I thank you for your love and grace
The after
I relocated, and tried to start over with my life. But it wasn't just me anymore; I was blessed to have a son at this time. For the first time I was in charge of someone and opurnity to do things different than my mother. I was on the road of becoming something other than a mother. I became like that the Samaritan, I had a husband and the one I had now was somebody else husband. I needed love to stop the pain I thought and settle for anything to get. So now I ended up destroying someone else marriage to get what I wanted. LADIES LEAVE THAT WOMAN'S HUSBAND ALONE! I ended paying greatly for that relationship. I used drugs again, beaten, left broke and broken heart and with three more children to feed. That relationship lasted five years and it was five years that God didn't answer me. See, it comes a time when God will get silent and stop answering to leave you to search for him.” When spread out your hands, I will hide My eyes from you; Even though you make many prayers, I will not hear. Your hands are full of blood” ISAIAH 1; 18 (NKJV).
Lord, I thank you for hiding from me
The mirror
It came a time in my life when I had to look in the mirror and deal with me. This was the hardest thing I had to do. I needed some help with this process and really be honest about the blood that was on my hands. I once again heard the question from the Lord he said “whom will you serve? This time I heard him and listen to what he had to say. He told me that he had been with me all the time but he needed me to choose him to serve before I could heal in my secret places. He said to me when you are ready I will be here.” Wash yourselves, make yourselves clean; Put away the evil of your doings from before My eyes” ISAIAH 1:16(NKJV). It took some more years before I would answer my calling. See, I was so full of shame, guilt and hurt I now thought I was hiding from the Lord. However, I started reading the Bible again and God started blessing and helping put my life on the track to recovery.
Lord, thank you for awesome love and patience
Recovery
Recovery can be a funny thing because it can become denial if you are not careful. Things started moving on the right track and I was sure that the Lord had taken me out of the Wilderness. I had a great job the children were doing great and I had a great man in my life. See, I thought I was on easy street because I felt good about life. But as soon as the test show up the enemy tried to tell me you are still nothing. The pain showed up again and I could not figure out why. My life began to spin out of control again for No reason and my relationship ended, I lost my job, I lost my apartment and then my twins began to have seizures. I scream to the Heavens please God save my children. I ask and said please don't let my children pay for my sins. See, the enemy knew that I was still a sinner and he was going to get me one way or the other. God is not fooled by our behavior. “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, he will reap” GALATIANS 6:7(NKJV). See, I was still sowing sin by sleeping with a man who was not my husband and drinking and occasionally cursing an going to clubs. I still operating as two people and now my children was unattacking. I began to pray and ask God to heal my children I needed a miracle. I even ask to trade places with them. But God said NO. He told me I know the future I have for you so once again whom will you serve.
The Battle
I needed to fight for my children and I had to learn the Biblical way of fighting. I had to cut some people off and I had to get a new apartment. I had to move into place were me and God could be alone and teach how to fight. The enemy tried to tell me you can't do it and the pain came back. But this time I was smarter than I was before I began to speak to the enemy and tell that THANG what God had to say about my children and my life. “He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou; his trust shall be my shield and buckler” PSALM 91:4 (KJV). I finally believed that he would take care of me and my children because I was my children's covering and God show me he was mine.
Lord, I thank you for your covering and protection
Motivation
God showed himself to me, he healed my children and kept my mind and began to deal with some of that pain. God showed me the he is the Door “ I am the door, if anyone enters by Me he will be saved and will go in and out and find pasture.” JOHN 10:9)NKJV). I realized that Jesus was my answer and my motivation and my heart would lead me to healing for this pain. “God looks at Your Heart and Your Motivation 1 Samuel 16:7. I was on the track to healing.
Lord, thank you for the process of healing
