Whenever I read of God's part in salvation I was greatly encouraged, but when I read of man's part I was often dejected. How could I reach the heights of sinless- ness? I was winning the battle but it was taking too long. Hope deferred makes the heart sad. I considered I had too much to do I thought I could never bridge the gap I thought I saw between what I had to do and what God does. The SDA religion is doing our best and God makes up for the difference. That was not right. The problem was one of doubt and unbelief, I was plagued with it.
The messenger of the Lord wrote, “The part which we are called to act in the work may be small and inferior; but that part is indispensable to the victory we are to gain over the world, the flesh, and the Devil, through the intercession of Christ as our Advocate with the Father.” RH 29/11/1898. So I understood it is a partnership. No matter what I read about it being a partnership, comments of Sister White seemed to emphasize first one side and then the other.
For example, “Individually I am responsible for the issue of the struggle. It is left with us to remedy the defect of every defilement.” 5 T p 214. Then the Lords messenger would write, “God alone can make and keep us loyal.” OHC p 215. “If you fight the fight of faith with all your willpower, you will conquer.” 5 T p 513. Then she would write, “We cannot, of ourselves, conquer the evil desires and habits that strive for the mastery. We cannot overcome the mighty foe that holds us in his thrall. God alone can give us the victory, but He cannot work in us without our consent and co-operation.” MB p 142. Is there a disparity? I asked. This seemed to be a paradox.
When Jesus was asked to solve the question of paying tribute to Caesar, if He said yes, pay tribute, the Jews would have represented Him as being against the law of God: while if He said no, they would accuse Him of working against the Roman authorities. Jesus' answer was a solving of the paradox by stating both - pay tribute but do it as an act of God to find the sum. Jesus said "Give unto Caesar the things that are Caesar"s, and unto God the things that are God's.
In science, the Doppler effect sees a red light approaching a train station getting redder and redder: or a train whistle gets louder and louder as it nears. However, as it passes, the light lessens in redness and the sound lessens. The dictionary says a paradox is a seemingly absurd or self-contradictory statement founded in truth.
A statement on the co-operation of man with God goes, “As soon as we incline our will to harmonize with God's will, the grace of Christ stands ready to co-operate with the human agent.” HP p 27. “Put the will on the side of Christ, will to serve Him, and in
acting upon His word you will receive strength.” DA p 203. It continues, “All who will go to work trusting not in what they can do, but in what God can do for and through them, will certainly realize the fulfillment of the promise.” DA p 667.
What was my problem? Being a spiritual perfectionist I had been looking to self to see if I could do what God demanded of me and I concluded I could not, as fully as I saw I needed to. I had unbelief. This doubt was a quandary I could not escape. It tortured my soul. I was driven from pillar to post, first it was all God's part, and then it was all up to me if it was to be. In my search for God I went to work on my doubt, two or three hundred times a day I would push my doubts away, yet month after dreary month there was no rest for my soul. The doubts would come back.
The Spirit of Prophecy writes, “It is not our efforts that bring victory, seeing God behind the promise and believing and trusting Him, grasp by faith the hand of infinite power.” RH 19/12/1910. I read that if the eye is kept fixed on Christ, the work of the Spirit ceases not until the soul is conformed to His image. See DA p 201-302.Yet I struggled to do this and failed. In Great Controversy, I read of Martin Luther and John Wesley who were, at a critical time, taught to look to Jesus. I could not do it steadily. This was my cross. Not until you have passed from death to life can you see as clearly and accurately the things of faith and belief, that's why I felt it's important to trust a mentor to guide you: just as Luther had trusted Staupitz.
