"Ever since I started working again, I've changed so much." This was what I texted to my cousin last night. The thing that triggered me to say this was the SUNBURST KL08!!! It's this huge concert where bands all over the world came to perform in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.
In all of my 27 years on earth, I've never wanted to go to a concert before. I'm not talking about youth concerts like the Easter Rally (ER) or Kuching Youth Day (KYD). I'm talking about the commercial ones. I didn't get why people would pay a bomb to scream their lungs out among a whole bunch of smelly armpits and bad breaths while they try very hard to have a good look at that cute lead guitarist on stage. I LOVE rock but no way was I gonna lose my voice for a week over that sort of thing. Recently, though, when I heard Hitz.fm promoting the Sunburst event, I was like: I'm gonna miss this??? Noooooo! Can't believe I was even thinking it. And then, someone really close to me told me he had VIP passes to the show and he was going. That was it. That dampened my spirit right there and then. In my heart, I was asking the Lord: what are you trying to say to me?
You see, when I started working again, I began to want things. I wanted a new house, a new car, a new wardrobe, a new look, a new a-lot-of-things. Before this, I was satisfied with what I already had. I didn't care if my legs were not shaven or if the lining of my skirt showed. Now I seem to want this and that. It's a good thing that I have kids. They keep me (and my wallet) focused on just the diapers and milk powder. But I know deep down, I still... well...want.
This took me down memory lane of my wish list. When I left Form 5, I secretly wished to be a newscaster. But I couldn't afford to go into it. So that's one down the drain. When I finished my diploma in a local IT institute, I wanted to continue and eventually become a software engineer. All that meant more money. So I decided to forget about it and it just so happened that I was offered a job with the Church by a really kind uncle. I started the whole projection trend and after seven years, I thought I'd just sit back and relax and let a couple freer people handle it.
And then, I met the guy of my dreams, we got married and lived happily ever after. Not! I mean, he is the guy of my dreams and we did get married but we can only live joyfully (most of the time) in the hardships that followed 1 September 2003. Before we got married, we decided that I would be a stay-at-home mum to take care of the kids and organise the household, which I absolutely love. So I thought, this is great! And I was actually getting so comfortable staying at home, serving my hubby and kids who love my cooking, taking care of the house which is my empire and cooking my grandpa's curry. I was having so much fun. Until the recession happened in our family. There was that fruit business which lacked publicity, the day-care and holiday camp which no one responded to. A disaster of not having enough and with Terence out of job… Because of that, I had to look for a job and before I knew it, I was offered a job I never asked for. two jobs, really - a website designer and a publication assistant for a local Catholic newspaper.
Don't know what I'm getting at? See, I have dreams like anyone else. But it seems that they don't come through that easily or at all. I was quite frustrated when I looked back and realised that my life was just a day-to-day thing. Nothing to be excited about. Nothing like getting the items on my Christmas wish list. I became angry with myself because I felt I was too complacent in life - "Not getting what I want? Oh, well. Let's start a new wish list..."
When 2008 came rolling in, I started to wonder why they didn't come through. This is the start to worldly-ism or materialism, as what most people would call it. I wasn't asking for position in the high society, wasn't thinking about living a luxurious life, and didn't even want a big car. I looked around me and saw a lot of people getting what they want in life in a zap. A friend said she wanted to start her own business and in a couple of months, her business was booming. Someone just mentioned he could use a new phone and it landed right on his lap the next day. It's so easy! In my mind, I was thinking, “Wow! How did you guys do it?” All I wanted was enough to get by. Period. But did you know? or did I know... that God was actually shaping me up all these while. He had the blueprint of my life all spread out on His working table. "You're not newscaster/software engineer/housewife material," He seems to be saying. "You're going to write." "Write?" I'm thinking. "Hello, aren't you kinda backward, Lord? Who writes when they can type?"
Ok, maybe that's not what He's really saying. But I only realised this when I thought aloud as I was texting to my cousin: The reason why I'm not getting what I want is because the wants have become my most desired, my best dreams, my most precious moments...my last dance. And God...wants to have the best part in my life. It's not that He's selfish or being possessive over me. I feel that this great, great Man up there knows us so well and He's very certain that He Himself is the best for us while we think that all we want could be the best for ourselves - even if it's not much. He wants to be the better part of our lives because He, as our Creator, knows that that would fulfill our lives. And He would do whatever it takes to make it known to us. (Even if it means taking that someone close to me, instead of me, to watch Incubus live at the Sunburst, just to prove His point that my want has become my desire which is taking too much space in my heart and crowding Him out.)
It's so cute, isn't it? He's doing all kinds of tango to make sure that I'm aware of His presence and that He's more important to me than anything or anyone else in this world. He's telling me that there's no way I can hide or run away from Him. And here's the amazing thing: He turned my 2007 upside down so I'd leave my "housewife" career in order to serve Him at this table where I'm sitting right now because it's already in His plan. God is great. The best dance and the last dance are to be saved for Him alone.
