Some of us walk around with this sense of failure. A deep, sinking feeling we are inadequate. We have made mistakes and just can't get past the failures in our lives.
We keep repeating the haunting questions “Why did I do that, again?” “How could I have been so stupid?” “What happened to me?” The questions go on and on and that despair gets greater and greater. We feel we have no way out. Or our “out” is way to painful to endure, we think we would never make it through.
I know. I have been in that terrible place. That place of drugs, stealing and lies. A place so dark I thought I would never see the light. A place where I was so far down I had no where to look, but up. They say when you hit rock bottom is when you start to change. When it hurts enough is when change starts to come about. For me, I was skidding on my rock bottom. I had many cuts and bruises. It was a vicious cycle. I would use to feel better about myself and feel happy. I would have sex because I thought no one would love me unless I “gave it up”, even when I was married. I would steal to have money to buy more drugs that allowed me to escape my reality of self- abuse and spousal abuse. I believed the lie that we tell ourselves, “I can stop any time I want.” Or, “I do it just to have fun.” “I'll use for 2 weeks to lose weight and then I'll stop.” And of course months, even years would go by and I would still be using.
It never crossed my mind that I was hurting myself. All I could think about was how much “fun” it was and the “good times.” How social I was. I was out of my shell. I could express myself. Or maybe it did cross my mind and I felt I deserve to punish myself for not being “perfect.” I know I never fit my idea of perfection. I still don't but I accept myself for who God made me to be. That gives me hope. God made me to be me.
When I couldn't stand my abusive marriage any more, I left. This is where my eyes of the real world were opened. I felt so free. No responsibilities, no bills to pay. Yet, no food to eat, no warm showers, no pads when I needed them. People held guns to my head and I was raped several times. This was freedom for only a few months.
I went to jail for the first time in my life. I thought I was going to die. But I got out 30 days later and ran the same course as before and went to jail 4 more times in 4 months. Every time the charges getting worse and worse. My final stop was in Los Angeles County Jail. I got transferred from another jail. This time I was in with murders. All I kept thinking was I don't belong here.
This is where my life changed. I was there about 3 days and I kept getting transferred around and around. I eventually settled momentarily with Nellie. I normally didn't talk to anyone out of fear, but she was different. She looked as sad as I felt yet I could see hope in her eyes. I asked Nellie why she was in there. All she said was “I made a mistake. I walked away from God.” I started asking her questions about God. Like, “why God would punish her for walking away?” Nellie explained that God wasn't punishing her. It was the product of following her own choices because God is a gentleman and would never force us to do anything.
We talked for a little while and then Nellie asked me the questions that changed my life. “What do you want from God? If you could have one thing in this world what would it be?” My mind was racing. I thought “I'd like to get out of here…” “I would like money.” But those answers just seemed to temporary to me. I knew eventually I would get out and I knew I would have money some day. So I thought for a little while and then it hit me….. What could I take with me where I go, no matter where I went? What was some thing that no one could ever take from me no matter who it was? All of the sudden I knew the answer…PEACE. I wanted peace that transcended all understanding. No matter what situation I was in or what part of the earth I was on, I wanted to know I was going to be ok. I felt I was talking with Jesus himself that night. In my darkest hour my Lord was there with me. The love in her eyes was not her own. It was Jesus.
