People Believe the Weirdest Things, Especially About the Bible

Angels Sing

On Johnny Mercer's grave perhaps, but nowhere in the Bible. Biblical angels don't sing. In The Bible angels show up, state their business and leave. The Greek word aggelos means messenger and is used for heavenly but also earthly messengers (see for instance Mat 11:10 and James 2:25).

Jonah was Gobbled Up by a Whale

Nope. Jonah was gobbled up by a fish and a whale is not a fish. Doesn't even look like one. The Hebrew word for fish comes from a verb that means "to greatly multiply." Whales don't greatly multiply.

Jesus Had Nails through His Feet when He Died

Jesus' feet are not mentioned anywhere near the crucifixion cycle. In the Emmaus Road scene He states that He's not a ghost because there are feet sticking out of His tunic. Nothing is said about His feet being pierced.

There is also no reason to assume that He wore a loin cloth on the cross. Hence theologians as far back as Francis of Assisi have pleaded for the Naked Christ.

To no avail. Mankind's most recognizable image depicts someone being tortured to death but apparently we can't bear to have Him naked too.

Adam and Eve Got in Trouble Because They Ate a Bad Apple

The kind of fruit they ate is not revealed. It might as well have been a banana. And there was nothing wrong with that fruit because it existed before sin was introduced.

A large majority of images that show Eve reaching for the apple or handing it to Adam, has them modestly dressed in leafy breeches. But according to the story, only after they ate the fruit they discovered that they were naked and covered themselves with leaves.

Jesus was Born in a Stable; Three Magi and Shepherds Huddled Together

Nope. Jesus was born in a house in Bethlehem. That's why the shepherds that were to greet Him had to leave the fields and go into town (see Luke 2:11 and 15). The shepherds and the magi never meet. The magi story is told by Matthew, who also speaks of a house in Bethlehem and not of a stable in a field somewhere (see Mat 2:11). We don't know how many magi there were. It could have been two and it could have been two thousand.

Jesus was Very Poor

Not after the magi loaded Him with gold and costly spices, for sure. When Jesus was of age he initiated a private school that was funded by female admirers (Luke 8:3). The amount of money that went around even warranted a treasurer and the student named Judas famously took on the chore (John 13:29). When Jesus died some soldiers took the trouble to game over His clothes (Mat 27:35). That must have been a pretty fancy outfit as the soldiers wouldn't have competed over some old rags.

The Bible is Peevish about Sex

Quite the contrary. The Bible metaphorizes the relationship between God and mankind most commonly with a marriage and the consummation thereof. The Bible book that deals most specifically with the marriage relationship, namely the Song of Solomon, features some pretty steamy scenes. Hence there is much more sex in the Bible than in anything featuring Sarah Jessica Parker.

One less allegorical act of seduction occurs when Ruth moves in on Boaz, skipping the chit-chat and going straight to working on the lineage of descent that would finally lead to Christ. And that was before they were married, by the way. That same lineage also features a prostitute named Rahab, and speaking of prostitutes, the prophet Hosea was married to a prostitute named Gomer. She kept running off and Hosea kept retrieving her, because unlike anything featuring Sarah Jessica Parker, the Bible argues for sexual purity with deep insights in the human psyche.

A long time ago, a bunch of political big shots decided what would be in the Bible and what not, pretty much by throwing a die.

That would be completely impossible in any age. The Bible is antiquity's greatest hits. The books that now officially comprise the Bible were widely read and much revered long before it was decided to compile them. They were compiled because the human race had collectively preserved them, and that with unprecedented ardor. The alternative gospels and other ancient books that seem to get so much attention these days were never the bestsellers that the Bible books were, and are consequently either non-extant or exceedingly rare.